Out of all of them, I picked him. He was tall, skinny and so hot. He was my life and I couldn’t live without him… believe me, I tried. I came so close to letting him go, but after just one day, I gave up. I needed him to live. I yearned for him.
As I stood over him, lying lifelessly in that box, I recalled all of our memories together. The good times; which were regrettably short-lived, and the bad times; which dragged across the whole of our relationship.
When I was with him, I felt so alive, so energetic and so powerful. When he left me for just an hour at work, my emotions plummeted. I was going through a free-fall of fervour one minute, then a downfall of depression, the next.
I never realised how unhealthy I was because of him, I was blind to the image of his outlines and shape. I took one look at his stature and my second-guessing and doubts became non-existent.
How could I let go of him when he made me feel more like myself than I have ever felt before he came into my life? How could I turn away that one entity that turned my life upside down in a whirlwind of excitement? Was I a fool? Anyone in my position would have done the same thing.
I’d never felt like this about anything before… everyone and everything was a complete blur and all I could see was a haze in his presence. Every smell around me was scentless, every meal was tasteless.
Do you know that feeling, that sudden rush of butterflies you get when you’re around an attractive man? That feeling you get when you know you’re about to have a heart attack or heart burn? That’s how I felt when I was with him… and without him.
I now realise that he was not worth the agony I’m in right now, the constant pain and frail skin. My skin now looks a very pale yellow colour and I’ve never felt so weak. The turbulence that occurred during our relationship has left me looking twenty times older than I actually am.
Ever since I knew him I have been shaking uncontrollably, quivering with every breath. Everyone I know has been warning me to stay away from him, that he’s poison and he will just suck all of the life out of me.
I wish I listened to them sooner! Now I’m trapped with him! I can’t escape, even if I wanted to… my heart says “no” but my body intervenes every time with a “yes”. It’s so difficult to follow your instincts when your body takes over…
HE’S NOT WORTH IT!
I lifted him between my fingers, took a drag and let him blow in the air like a thick black cloud,
“ugh! I’m so weak…” *sigh*